for those who've happened by my page today, you would've noticed my info box has changed, and there is no box for Nate anymore.
it's over, and what's upsetting me so damn much is somehow this is all my fault. Not my words.
i had shared a photo on fb about not wanting people who don't understand loyalty, and it pissed hiim off. he mentioned me fucking up big in the first few days of the relationship and called me hypocritical. I mean, yeah, but the first few days, you're not "in it for life" you're just two people who have an interest in one another and are trying to figure things out if you click or not.
I had a lot going on with myself, and i made a bad choice and hurt nate. But instead of hiding it, i told him. it took me a few days, but i told him. i was well prepared for him to leave me on the spot, but he didn't.
fast forward to saturday morning. i ask to play with his phone (meaning hop on fb to post some dumb status and then change his wallpaper to something cute) well i went to my fb to save a photo and i had looked up to be a part of the conversation so i couldn't tell if it had saved or not. i hop over to his gallery to select it to change the wallpaper and there are several random screenshots and photos saved from random girls. at first, i'm like wow ok. but then i think mayyyybe since he got a new phone they're just contacts and it's ok. i leave it, but i feel like something's not right..
i end up looking at his fb friends and none of them look at all like the girls i saw on his phone, so i call him out on it.
he apologizes and says it was from an ongoing game with his friend where they would go on chat sites (like chat roulette and omegle) to see who could get the most girls to send them photos.
Now, i have no idea what he said to get them, nor do i know how bad the photos got.. but the lowcut shirts with the angle pointed right down their blouses REALLY pissed me the fuck off. So when he said he "hadn't done it in a few weeks" i was done..
we had been dating for 4 months on the dot.
and he hadn't played the single guy "let's get these girls to send photos" game in a few weeks
so i'm the bad guy because i owned up to what i did wrong almost immediately, and have done nothing else like it since that one incident...
But he had played that game for at least two months into our relationship and told me he was nothing like my ex's and would do nothing to make me lose my trust for him.
And supposedly our relationship was "going downhill for a while"
buuuuut I was nagging to see him, affectionate, reminded him that i loved him..
i wasn't there for him when he needed me? the two times he openly said he was upset, he and i were both busy/had things going on. the first, my grandad had started up chemo treatments, and i was worried about that and how my mom was feeling... so i had no idea how to comfort nate when he was stressed. i told him i was here for him, and would be willing to talk up until i was too upset myself and just needed to be alone. there's a point that i reach that nothing anyone can say will make me respond or feel better, i'll just snap. so i told him i had to go. Bitch move right there, I guess. I'm sorry.
Then his grandad passed away. I felt horrible for him and i kept letting him know i loved him and when he asked to come over, i had to say no because i had to be at work. I'm sorry, but i can't dictate my hours. :/ then he was at the funeral and such and couldn't text much, so i didn't send messages first as to not interrupt anything important. i guess i messed up there.
i dunno. i'm pissed. i'm hurt. and i'm just... i'm confused? why am i the bad guy?
what did i do wrong, exactly?
besides being reclusive because of my depression??
i'm sorry, i can't afford a therapist, and pills have horrible side effects.
i've learned to just shut down when i get upset so i don't say things i regret, and i guess that's not ok?? i'm sorry i don't want to piss you off.
hate men. i know i don't have a spotless record, but damn,
when i say that i love you, i'm fucking in it for the long haul. at that point, you are the center of my attention, my whole world. and i'd do nothing to risk it. i learn form my mistakes and don't make the same ones again. when i say i love you, i really do. i mean it with everything i've got. and if we talk about a family?? holy shit, there's no turning back now. i'm so absolute in my decision in being with you that nothing is going to sway me until you do something to betray my trust.
but not everyone gets it.
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